3 Ways Ego is Ruining Your Life
Ego can mean a few things depending on the context. In this case, we are going to refer it as a sense of our own value and importance.
Egocentrism started early since we were an infant, when we thought that the world revolves around us. That’s why all the babies are surprised when we hide from them, thinking that we have disappeared from the world. Infants don’t have the ability to think beyond their current vision.
Then, we grow up and learn how to talk. Egocentrism can still be obvious in some children. Some still only think about themselves and only care about their own needs. The word “Mine” or “Me” can be particularly common in young children. That’s why we teach them how to share things and be considerate of others.
As we grow up, so is our brain, we become more aware of our feelings, emotions and everyone around us. Nonetheless, our ego still exists inside us.
The famous Psychologist Sigmund Freud claimed that our ego functions inside and between conscious, preconscious, and unconscious mind.
Ryan Holiday mentioned in his famous book Ego is the Enemy that our ego is like a rider on our subconscious horse, guiding them where to go.
Therefore, it has been scientifically and philosophically proven that we can never get rid of our ego. We can only learn to live with it.
In the connected world, it’s easier than ever to feed our ego. We can brag about and put up photos of our holidays on social media. We can change the status when we get a new job or a relationship and let the comments and reactions rolled in. Our ego whispers in our ears “you’re popular” as the notification keeps popping up to confirm that. Ryan Holiday said “ego tells us what we want to hear” which is why it only serves us in a short-term. When we rely our self-worth to the external sources, it will never be enough so we have to continuously chase it. It’s a never-ending race when the time and effort can be better spent pursuing something more meaningful.
If that’s not enough reason why we should tame our ego, I’m going to give you the three of many more ways your ego could be ruining our life. Here we go.
1. Ego causes our suffering
Most of our sufferings exist in our mind and that’s exactly where the ego is. We think that the world owes us something. We expect things to go in our way because we’re the main character of the show. We think of what people think about us too much and we tend to take things too personally when, in reality, it may not have anything to do with us. We fear rejections because it makes us feel like we’re not enough when that’s not always the case.
We need to realise that the world doesn’t revolve around us. No one owes us anything. People don’t exist to serve our needs. It’s not all about us. When we expect something, we must know that disappointment is on the table.
The things we own and the people we love are not truly ours. They don’t live or last forever. We need to remind ourselves this whenever we are disappointed. Whether that’d be someone cancelling the plan last minute, someone didn’t do what we expected them to do or something unfortunate happened.
We need to learn to expect nothing, attach nothing and abandon the idea that things outside our control will go in our way. We need to learn to be grateful for what happened and what was given to us.
The Stoics believe that to do something against our fate, something beyond our control, is like a dog on a leash trying to fight being dragged into one direction. Some may think it’s a pride and courage to do so but when we try to fight something outside control, it only ends up in pain and suffering — because sometimes, the best thing we could do to stop it is to let go and go with the flow.
Things don’t happen to us, they happen for us.
2. Ego ruins our relationships
Most arguments happen because one or both sides fail to understand each other.
It’s hard to abandon our idea that we truly believe because it gives us a sense of certainty. It makes us feel good and stand tall when we know we’re correct. And we don’t want to find out that we’re wrong because it hurts our ego. That’s why an argument never stops, if all we want to do is to convince others to agree with us instead of trying to learn and understand the different perspective. After all, we don’t win an argument by persuading but getting the opposite side to question their own view.
Ryan Holiday said “we can’t work with other people if we’ve put up walls”. And the wall is so thick because it protects our ego. It makes us feel like we are above them, but when we always look down on people, we cannot learn anything from them.
We need to learn to unattach our idea from our identity — aka our ego.
Ego also makes us judge people too quickly and unknowingly. Don’t you hate it when someone just cuts you off when driving? Or when someone turns up late and we assumed that they’re just not organised enough.
We judge people instantly without giving them a chance. We don’t know the whole story. We only perceive what’s in front of us and we just make a conclusion from that without hearing them out.
That can really ruin the opportunity to listen, understand, emphatise and help other fellow human beings.
3. Ego makes us think small
Early on this year, I applied for an award - hoping to use it to boost my career and profile. I wanted to be known so I can share my stories and inspire others. I wanted it so badly that I did everything I could, asked many people for advices and got as much help as I needed.
A few months later, I became a Finalist, I was one-step closer but then I hesitated. I felt it in my gut that it might be best for me not to win it. The realisation came after I learned about some people whom have become so obsessed with fame. They attach their self-worth to external sources, and that’s really not a path that I want to take. I was afraid of what winning the award and the fame would make me become.
Eventually, I did not get it. I was honestly disappointed but also relieved. My brain automatically started giving me reasons why I should be grateful for what happened. It may sound like a self-pity but it’s a stoic philosophy that I truly live by, because sometimes we can’t control what happened but we can control how we think about it.
I realised that what makes me a Marketer I am today is not an award or recognition but the steps I took to be here today. I realised that I don’t need a credential or to be well-known to share my story to help others, I can just simply do so. Lastly, I realised that all those time and money that I spent to get this award, I did it for myself when they could really be better off spent helping other people and businesses.
That’s what ego does to us. It makes us think about ourselves. That we’re the hero of the story, that we deserve a happy ending and anything we desire. It doesn’t remind us to think about others and things that are bigger than ourselves.
The other scenario when the ego may rise is when we have learned or achieved something new, and we think we already know everything, when in fact, we’re only at the top of ‘Mount Stupid’. This is known as the ‘Dun-Krueger effect’. It’s a a hypothetical cognitive bias suggesting that, in my own terms, smart people tend to underestimate their ability, while the rookies tend to overestimate theirs. And we cannot learn anything new if we think we already know everything.
Ego limits our ability to think bigger and to see more. When we think we already know everything, we can’t learn anything. The good mindset to practice is to be aware that everyone we have met always has something we can learn from.
In conclusion
These are the three of the many reasons how ego can hurt our life. It can hurt us mentally, our relationship and our ability to think bigger and beyond ourself. The first step to overcome this is to be aware of our ego, which hopefully you are now.
Now it’s time to your to reflect back on what your ego has costed you in the past and decide whether you still want it to do so in the future.
